Jan 25 2011

Nice-Guys are *NOT* Attractive

DauntlessD here throwing up his first post!

I am sure many readers of both genders read that headline and scoffed thinking, “That’s just not true!” Sorry, my friends, but it is true; and I know from personal experience. However, now that I have your attention, let me ease your minds. I am not referring to simple physical attraction.

First, a little background on me. I am a man in my early 40s. I am half South American so I fit into that category of “tall, dark, and handsome” quite neatly. As a young man I was taught my manners well, to be polite, respectful and courteous of others. It was also imbued in me that special attention was to be paid to the fairer sex, which included some chivalrous instruction such as taking coats, opening doors and pulling out chairs. In high school I grew to nearly 6 feet and my shoulders broadened giving me a hearty 170 lbs. frame. I am not unattractive today, but back then I was a darn good looking young man.

When it came to being attractive, I seemed to have everything going for me. Then why was it that I had such meager success with the ladies? I would look around at my friends, many whom were less attractive than me and they would have much more success. I did not give this much thought in my early 20s, but as the years rolled by I began to find this more and more troubling — actually it was down right frustrating. I was what women say they want for crying out loud – a nice, good looking guy with a good sense of humor!

Heading into my 40s I hit that time for men when they start taking stock of their lives. I decided to figure out what it was about me that caused attraction to fizzle and die. So I start searching the Internet and discovered an interesting blog, Ashley and Me, where a man who calls himself RiffDog shares his adventures meeting women via AshleyMadison. I found ol’ RiffDog to be a fun read, the posts where he described his sexual encounters were very raw and male. What struck me most about the Ashley and Me blog were the comments to Riff’s posts. The women reading the blog just loved his unapologetic maleness. This seemed to fly in the face of how I was raised. So after sending an email to Mr. RiffDog with a couple of questions he responded with a rather simple statement, “[you are] talking about ‘Game‘, which has entire books devoted to the subject.”

Game“? Yes, I am sure there are a number of men right now slapping their foreheads thinking, ‘My God this man had never heard of Game?’ No, I had not — and honestly when I first started reading about Game I was incredulous, even a little offended at times. However, the more I read, the more I realized that most of Game is built on some simple instinctual biological truths. It is how I learned that Nice-Guys are Not Attractive.

What are these “instinctual biological truths”? Well, when you break down the human animal to its raw instincts, survival and pro-creation are its top imperatives.

For a Man to make sure his legacy lives on, this means spreading his seed to as many woman as possible. Of course men will gravitate toward the healthier more attractive women, but in truth this is relative; pretty much any woman will do. Yes ladies, I just confirmed your suspicions, men are dogs. For a little comic relief on this subject try this link: Why men and woman cannot be friends.

The instinctual drive in Woman to make sure their legacy lives on is more complicated. (Gee, imagine that! Women, those fair lovely creatures, are more complicated… Who would have guessed?) Women having to carry and care for their children are much more invested. Because of this investment making sure their babies are as strong and as healthy as possible is critical. Thus women have developed a highly tuned instrument buried deep within their psyche to weed out the weaker, less healthy males.

Okay, enough of the babble, why are Nice-Guys not Attractive? Nice-Guys without knowing it set off the alarms that are buried deep in a woman’s psyche; they diffuse their own attractiveness. How do they do this you ask? Well here is the answer, Nice-Guys make themselves less attractive by being well, Nice. I know many of you out there have, “WTF?” floating in bubbles over your heads, but it is true.

Why do you think woman are attracted to Bad Boy types? It is not because they are bad boys; it is because of the type of male animal they represent. Think about the strongest most powerful men you can and consider what qualities they have. Think about James Bond or Don Draper in Mad Men. What qualities do these men exude? I bet Confidence popped right in your mind; and women do love a confident man. However it is the more subtle qualities that trip most Nice-Guys up.

Most Nice-Guys strive to please a woman upon meeting her. Would James Bond do that? Nope. Why is this a detractor? Well, a quality male animal has options, he is not worried about any one woman. If the woman in front of him is not interested, no big deal he has others. So when a Nice-Guy starts falling over himself being Nice to a woman, it makes it appear he has no options — that he is not a quality male.

Ahhh… now maybe you can see why that attractive woman is with that guy that treats her poorly. He has flicked a nerve in her that has made her believe that he is a quality male, that he has options.

So avoid letting your Nice-Guy colors show when you first meet a woman. Show her a confident man who makes his own decisions and wont be swayed. Intentionally be a bit mysterious and don’t jump to answer her questions. Take the attitude that she needs to prove her self to you — that you are a quality male with options. Never point out your own flaws; confident men do not do that. When in doubt treat her like another male. Then after you’ve established some attraction and rapport, then you can let the Nice-Guy show a little.

I know for us Nice-Guys this is easier said than done. Good luck!


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  1. Kat

    I think most of Dauntless’ logic is impeccable, and I agree with most of this post, but not all. I just can’t agree that you shouldn’t let your Nice Guy show when you meet a woman. Oh, we *love* a bad boy, but TOO bad is scary. We’ve got to see a little nice guy potential in there.

    Just like guys want a woman who is a little bit virgin mom and a little bit whore (ok, maybe a LOT whore), women want a man who is *both a nice guy and a bad boy.

    The attitude and behavior you describe in the last paragraph just sounds like a jerk to me. Now that I’ve said that, though, I realize I’ve been chatting with someone recently who has not been answering many questions, and taking a “take it or leave it” attitude. Hmmm….he *does* intrigue me.

    Dang, I hate it when Dauntless is right…..

  2. Mediocrity

    Its a slippery slope. While being too nice is a potential turn off, so is being too unavailable. I love some mystery but the guy has got show his desire, that I am more than worthy of his time. Acting like he’s doing me a favor by talking to me isn’t going to get me going. But being too, “Ooooh you are so pretty I will do whatever you want whenever you want and hold your hand,” is extremely unattractive as well. If a man can’t find the right balance, then he won’t have a chance at getting into these panties.

  3. DauntlessD

    This line, “Take the attitude that she needs to prove her self to you”, does make it sound like I am suggesting being a jerk. Like Mediocrity said it is a slippery slope. The goal is to show you’re fun, but at the same time comfortable and secure in your own skin.

    The tendency of the nice guy is to fall all over himself trying to please, to jump at every chance he can to do something for the woman he’s attracted to. The key is to be confident and playful *without* falling into the nice-guy trap.

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