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Feb 07 2011

Finding the Time to Cheat – Another Guest Post from Chimpernel!

Today’s column is all about time. You only have a finite amount of the stuff and you’ve already got a lot of demands upon it. There’s your job, I presume you have a job; if not, get your arse off the couch and go find one you lazy bastard. Anyway, the job + commute is going to eat a big chunk of your week. Secondly there is sleep, that’s another third gone. Quality time with friends and family consume a big chunk, then there are a whole bunch of minor causes, from shopping, therapy and sports to chores, hobbies and DIY. You probably already have quite a full week/month/year. My point is that if you are looking for a relationship outside your marriage, where exactly are you going to find the time? Trust me, any half decent affair will start to eat into your available time budget.

But remember it’s all about time – time to spend with your lover and enjoy yourself. Let’s look at it this way, sex consumes time. Any half decent fuck is two hours burned right there, and that’s without factoring in getting to the place, social niceties, dinner, drinks and the usual reaffirming human qualities which make it so much more fun than a quick fuck in the alley behind a club. Kinky sex takes even longer with any half decent scene needing at least four hours. So what gives? This isn’t a lunchtime thing here, well unless you are fucking the payroll, in which case, stop, it’s going to call for nights away and that calls for planning. Nights away are complex things, involving two people’s schedules.
My own personal position is helped by two things, one, my marriage is over in all but name so whilst there is no formal understanding there, it’s not like we talk, about anything. Additionally, I work as a management consultant so time away from home causes little comment. I’ve not yet ended my marriage for various complex reasons, not for any emotional, financial or practical consideration but I presume that you aren’t there and probably don’t want your primary relationship to end.

So how do you plan for this?

You need consistency, you need simplicity, and you need to be able to keep a straight face when asked where you are. None of this is easy,  but if you can’t do it, then don’t even start down this path.  Also you need plausibility. It’s highly unlikely that you can get away with claiming you are at a conference in Paris when you work as a brickie in Hull or a call centre worker in Aberdeen. So you must balance between reality and opportunity, if you are going to spend time with that teenage German nymphet you think you’ve pulled from Fetlife or the Zulu prince that you met on Facebook*. Either operate in a predictable way, new job means I have to spend every 2nd Wednesday out of town etc, or in a plausible but unpredictable way, “sorry, there’s a rush maintenance job on the XYZ123 widget installed in Essen, I’ll be gone a couple of days” etc, but never combine the two or you’ll get so confused with your own lying that you are bound to slip up.

Happy hunting people and try to keep it simple.

*Incidentally, proposing the first face to face meeting is the real test if someone is serious or not. If they keep pushing it off or act somewhat vague about it, they are either just playing with the idea or are actually a fat ex trucker called Neville from stoke rather than Helga the water-sports fixated big breasted nymphomaniac from Berlin that you think you are talking with.

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Remember, you can read more from Chimprenel by following his blog, The Scarlet Chimpernel, or you can follow him on Twitter.

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